The rock and roll lifestyle we are used to is comming to an end. We are planning a move to a larger city. More folks and more adventures await.
MORE important news……
I finished Twilight. Wow is all I have to say. Amazing. I am not sure which I liked more Harry Potter 7 or this wonderfully written amazing book?
Must write more later. Someone has a stinky Bum I am sure.
Laughing at…..
Classes during summer stinks!! But I love what I am taking. My Coping with Difficult People had a section on squelching. Here are some excerpts from the portion that I thought was pretty funny. Now the lecture strictly explained these are NOT for those relationships that are close and those you wish to have a close tie with. Just for those people that really are toxic criticizers/sarcasticly biting. These kind of abruptly end the discourse 
1. Please breathe the other way. You’re bleaching my hair.
2. Don’t you need a license to be so mean?
3. Could I sell you a ticket to some place?
4. Your voice is a bit too loud for in door use.
5. You’re the type that would throw a beer party and lock the bathroom.
6. I hope a pregnant elephant sits on your car keys
7. Give me a minute. I’m trying to find a way to ignore you.
8. Have I ever told you that the wart on your face is your best feature?
9. Don’t feel bad, a lot of people have no talent.
10. You have a mind like a steel trap, always closed.
11. Have you considered opening a branch mouth.
12. I couldn’t warm up to you if we were cremated together.
13. Do you believe in hate at first sight?
14. Don’t worry about being replaced by an automation. They haven’t invented a machine that does nothing yet.
15. I heard you were arrested for mooning yesterday, but they had to release you when they found out it was your face.
16. I don’t know what makes you so obnoxious, but whatever it is it’s working.
17. If you were your parents only child, I don’t think you would be their favorite.
18. If I throw you a stick will you leave?
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Back off, you’re standing in my aura.
22. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
23. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
24. Is it time for your medication or mine?
25. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
These are borrowed mostly from Bill Dana, famous for his José Jimenez alter ego.
Listening to.…
Holly Brook: Saturdays
Sarah: Ordinary miracles
Fat Boy Slim: The Joker, Magic Carpet Ride, Weapon of Choice. (Kitchen Cleaning JAMS)
When Harry Met Sally (Soundtrack)
Playing.….
Nintendo Wii
Reading…..
The Dangerous book of Boys (or something like that)
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Anticipating..…
Transformers, Harry Potter(7th), Harry Potter the movie,
Contemplating Purchasing…
BabyHawk Mei Tai (Go ahead, google it I dare you)
The six pouches that hold all your different chargers and cords in a safe uncluttered manner(will add pics and review of product if I purchase
This morning I showered before the kids got up. This is usually the begining of a good day usually for me. I got dressed in kaki pants together with a cute dark brown shirt. I started my day with getting the kids all cleaned up and ready for some good breakfast. Then I started doing some Yoga. As I was in downward facing dog. I see through my legs my son. 3 1/2 years old. Holding something behind his back. I see a corner of what he had and proceeded to breathe.
Hear him say, "Gottcha!!" and he stamps his hands on my back. I don’t really think of anything of it. My Band walks through the door and kind of kicks up a ruckus. The kids love him and all started running towards the door. Then I hear Thing 1 start to laugh as he tells his father how he put "ahhh cream" on mommy.
I look down at a small white hand and I make a silent bee line for the room of Thing 1. I am gripping firmly, a screaming child, by the forearm. We call this portion of the day …. consequence. I have hand prints all over my backside. Including on the kaki pants. -Sigh- more laundry. 45 minutes until he goes to pre-school.
Breakfast is eaten and the shuffle of shoes and carseats begins. 15 minutes until 9am school. Phone rings and I realize I scheduled the plumber to come and look at the sink.
I put the appointment off until tomorrow morning. Just so I can forget again he’ll be comming.
Loading children into car. Threatening Thing 1 within and inch of his life that if he unbuckles himself or his sister he will die an unfortunately slow death. Get the big kids into the car. Load up small one. Then in order to see out the windshield I must clear all the hard water marks of the inside of said windshield. How do I have hard watermarks on the inside of my car. That would be the car parked with the windows unrolled too close to the sprinklers. It wasn’t the first sprinkling either.
Windex and papertowels back inside. Put baby in the car. Start driving to preschool and look down and see that the time is now….. 9:24am.
Driving home to enjoy 1 1/2 hours of breathing, a bit of chapter reviews for school, Spirit Stallion of the Cimeron, and breastfeeding. Baby sleeps.
Pick up Thing 1 and put Thing 2 in her bed. Put Thing 1 in his bed. Listen as I clear things from breakfast to Thing 1 jump into Thing 2’s crib. "Giggle, Giggle" and "shuuuuushhhh". Enter Thing2’s room and tell Thing 1 he has five minutes to try and sleep then he is going into his own bed.
Thing 1 wants to use the restroom and always has to do such business with the door closed. FINE. Put Thing 1 on pot. Tuck in and close door to Thing 2’s room. Start the march to gather my pen and paper for grocery list. Find pen & pencil. Realize the bathroom is tooo quiet.
Open door and find Thing1 covered head to toe and all things surrounding himself in Fabreeze air freshener. Over powering smell of the bathroom hits me as I walk in. Remove the teashirt soaked in smelly lavender-something-or-other. Throw child into the bath. start the rinse process with cold water. This portion of the day…..revenge. Put him to bed.
I now have a moment to regroup. Here is just the off the top of my head things this kid has been getting into lately.
1. bottle of sweetner floor of the kitchen.
2. hands face and arms painted in Nutella.
3. Body butter.
4. All types of bum cleaning agents… ie. toilet paper & wipes.
5. Yogurt painted all over the surface of the dining table.
So I think I am having a lapse in memory. I could be mistaken but I swear he didn’t ever get into stuff this bad. The two phase was a walk in the park compared to this.
My brain is swimming with great advice.
"You have a choice. Every stage has it’s annoying parts. You can either love them through it or not. I notice that when I love them through it the phase passes quicker."
"This is just going to be so fun to look back on."
"Take pictures!"
These days silence is not my friend. When they are quiet they are generally into trouble. Thank goodness for long naptimes!
The other day, yesterday to be exact, I saw a spider in it’s web. My little girl was yelling "Get it! Get it!" Now we usually just put them outside. But I didn’t have the heart to take down it’s cozy little home. It had settled in already. Spent time "unpacking" so it seemed. I didn’t have the urge to squwish or mangle it. I just thought it tried so hard to do one simple thing.
Survive.
I am pretty sure the metephor for me is clear. I am doing the samething on a daily basis. Just trying to survive. When you face the demons that are hiding (sometimes literallly) in your closet you tend to be a wee bit more sensitive. That is what has been going on lately. I am trying to get a handle on the small stuff first.
So what is going on?? So glad you asked….
The Band is finding out where he is going to transfer to finish up his Bacholor’s degree.(Wednesday)
I am starting a full load of online classes. One with the title "Coping with difficult people".(Tuesday)
I just ordered a new laptop.(Should arrive Tuesday/Wednesday)
I would like to start selling things on Ebay. Just don’t have all the guts it takes to start, yet.
We need a newer bigger vehicle. (I am finding myself looking in the rearview mirror at the three carseats side by side in our compact car. Simutaniously, praying over and over "please leave his eyes kids, please leave him his eyes")
The plate maybe full just with those, but no….one of the quirks (demons), I tend to fight, is putting too much on the flippin’ plate in the first place. So I can migrate to my comfort spot- crisis management mode-. I accomplish more, feel the rush, and live my dreams when I am stress to the max mode. Only the dreams I dream are slow developing, endurance requiring, one-baby step-at-a-time dreams.
My new found love is a show called "Rob and Big" on MTV. I am not supporting the wide variety of horrific programing that channel has to offer, but that paticular show has had me in stitches lately.
Last night I watched On-Demand the episode about the trip to the video game makers. Rob visited his family. They were fishing. He said something to the effect that his entire life is based upon the principle of instant gratification and that fishing sucked for him. I giggled, out loud only because I related so well to that comment. My dreams are fishing dreams and my functioning brain works in "got to have it now".
This is why I dearly love being a parent of 3 three and under. I know if I had it to do all over again I would still choose this path over and over. They are constantly going. Constantly doing, creating, and growing. That is the thrill of the game of "stay at home adventurer" or the instant gratification part. Letting go, for me, of the stigmas of "normal", "perfect", and "ideal" this is the difficult part. The part I am finding takes time, requires effort,and is not fast to change.
I love a challenge. Like school, it has provided a challenge for me for over a decade now:) So modifying the approach to the dreams is going to have take place. To dream big, I need to plan big. One chunk at a time. Not to big. Not, too small. Just right…. ahhh.
So Rob thanks for the insight, and Little spider in my house… WEB ON!
Yesterday our small town was wracked with fear when the local psycho decided to call in a threat and be like everyone else’s small town psycho and lock down our schools. My Band works in the High School. I am home watching the news and praying that suspects were just bluffing. That no one would really get injured. I loathe the chain reaction of the "copy cat" stupidity that has infected our country the past week. I am understanding why Shakesphere had such distain for the masses. The masses being the followers, the blind and stupid people that get caught up in a whirlwind of evil and don’t use their God given brains.
Wow, I guess I have an opinion about that
. Yesterday I found myself thinking about not going to crowded places for fear of this guy just trying to "take out as many people" as he could. Then I realized that thought never had passed through my mind before. Not even in 2001 after the horrific bombings. I then took pause and realized there are people in other parts of the world who don’t live through a day without thinking about where they are going, and if it will be a target that day.
Calm has been restored to my town. There isn’t that underlining fear that was so palitiable yesterday.I am greatful my family wasn’t harmed. My heart breaks again for all those families whose loved ones were effected.
A few weeks back I had an experience with prayer that really stunned me. My entire adult life I had heard in church the stories of sisters pleading with their Heavenly Father for help and someone rings their doorbell or phone. I never really had a connection with these stories until it happened to me. I reallly have had some challenges in recovering. I am doing much better everyday but there was one day when the frustration of not being totally up to snuff and ready to get to work knocked me over. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and bawling when I remembered….. prayer.
I quickly and earnestly prayed that something would happen. I remember the request being something to the effect of "thou knowest I can’t do this, help me find a way to do it". As I ended my prayer I glanced up to see my husband all ready for work and kissing my forhead to leave.
The next thing I knew five or so minutes had past. The phone rang and my husband answered. He said a friend had called and she had all the stuff I was stressing taken care of.
I couldn’t believe how wonderful it is to know that I was not alone. I had not only a loving friend but a loving Heavenly Father to take care of me. Her timing was perfect. Her heart was ready to listen and act. I was so greatful for a belief system that includes a loving God. I became keenly aware that He knew me and my situation. In times comfort and times of need he knows me. I am his daughter.
I have found that spiritual moments in my life are like an EKG print out. There are some peaks and valleys, followed sometimes by some flatlines of mundaneness. The peaks are what makes my faith knowledge, and gets me through the valleys and leveling off. Since the baby has arrived the sensitivity to the spiritual things has heightened. Humiliation, frustration, struggle, trials in my life have been as salt to soup. They bring out the flavor of kindness, love, hope, faith, friendship, and family.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for the small peaks in my life. For the friends who listen to a nudge by the spirit to act. My prayers now are different. I plead that I can be sensitive enough to act.
The bunny, colored eggs, and the chocolate have been in season for sometime now. Lately, I have had some themes running through my head that seem to pop up in my life. Since Easter, for me, is a time of reflection on the atonement and what it means to me in my life I am continually finding these things pop up in my everyday life.
The first theme is the "positive attitude" theme. Comming out of the haze of pregnancy hormones has really helped with my own positiveness. I am realizing how much fear and anxiety plays apart of my everyday life. And, when I am hormonal how much more it plays into my moods and actions. I am really more balanced after I have the baby. I know I have more to deal with, but some how it all works itself out. Having three is getting easier and easier as we get back into a routine. Being able to bend over has really helped the house get cleaner quicker. It isn’t clean by any means but I am starting to be OK with a subdued mess.
A positive attitude I used to think was being unrealistic, or untruthful. I wanted to be real not living in the cotton candy world of the "positive" people. Now I realize how damning that idea has been for me and my attitude. When I say damning I mean progression haulting. I was stuck on the ground and my dreams were not launching from that ground.
Now a days I am comming to terms with the dreams that have not "come true". The dream of getting a 3.0 GPA in College. This one has been a huge one. I really tied my self identity into being a student. When I would fail a quiz, test, or an entire course I would find it tore at my self worth like nothing else could. No boyfriend dumping me ever hurt like taking anatomy for the third time. Comming to terms with my seventh year at being a senior in college. I have some work to do on improving my GPA so that graduation is even an option for me.
I knew and have known for awhile now that if I am to go back I am going to have to change my viewpoint. I needed to choose a different approach to school. I had to become ok with failing, or not preforming to my expectiations, or others’. I have to accept that my limitiations are not other people’s limitiations. That the scale that I was being placed on wasn’t measuring me it was measuring the AVERAGE. My idenitiy was seperate from the GPA I was earning in my course work. I findi it very difficult to be told how brilliant you are being placed in the accelerated courses in school because you did exceptionally well on an exam. Only to be taken out of those courses because you can’t keep up with the homework or reading assignments ect. It was like being given a wonderful gift box that everyone could enjoy but me. You see I couldn’t open it. I couldn’t get near it. Couldn’t even see it through the cloud of failure I have been used to seeing. I was just told by everyone around me that it was there and how awesome it would be, could be, should be.
Now I have the gift in my hands. I have started to unwrap it. What I am finding inside is new exciting and scarry all at the same time. It all started about two years ago. I chose something different. I told my self a new story. Not one of constant failure in one area of my life but of one struggle that would eventually end. One enormous mountain that would eventually be summitted.
This summer school is back in session.
I am pregnant and have many more angry days than I would normally allow myself.
On angry days I……
1. listen to music
2. put my kids to bed early
3. write in the angry journal
4. pout with my scowly face on.
5. take a nap.
6. clean aggressively ( usually am so greatful for an angry day, one day after angry day. I catch up on all my laundry, wash the floors, and finish all the household projects I don’t want to look at anymore)
7. eat yummy food (This could be sad if my metabolism changes from jack rabbit to walrus in the near future)
8. read
What things do you do on "angry" days?
This book was good and I loved how all the characters all played apart. I love that Percy liked that other girl in Ravenclaw.
There is so much going on inside my head today. What is the difference between today and any other day? You can hear all about it today. Usually I am trying to stuff down my total randomness and afraid people will find out how not all together I am. Today I am embrasing the randomness. I was diagnosed six years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder. I am the "inattentive" type. I have tried much of the time that I have been diagnosed either denying that anything is wrong, down playing the effects it has had on my life and hiding until I find out how I can pull all of the insane parts of my life together and feel "normal".
When I was breast feeding my Thing 2 I came across a book called ADHD in Women. That was almost a year and one month ago. I had a mini break down ( I can’t do full breakdowns I don’t have that kind of energy.) For three days I was devistated that there was a book that explained the totally inner workings of my life, my results, and struggles I had had up to that point. Someone had described all the frustrations of my life in one book.
So my next move was to search out a personal coach. I had read so much info and was doing a huge research paper on the topic of meds. and their effects on adults with ADHD. The research I had done was pointing me into the direction of counseling and someone to just kind of check in with. The lady who I found had ADHD herself and was diagnosed while doing her masters degree. She was 44. She talked about medication. That is a big bad word in my book. I had never really opened my heart and mind to the idea. I saw what meds did for one child in my afterschool program I taught. It glazed his little eyes over and he was just so "drugged". I didn’t want that for myself. I also came from a home that was very strick on the use of medicine for things. It was rare that I had a pill for the simplest of headaches. Meds were off my radar screen.
The more we talked the more she told me that meds might be the thing that cleared the fog. She said that with the challenges of running after two toddlers and trying to keep house there could be some benifit in the medication.
She was right. I tried a 12 dosage. The third week after my milk had dried up. I spent that day crying because of the difference to beable to concentrate was. It was no miracle drug for me. It just allowed the fuel and motivation to get things done I had never dreamed. Like clean my entire house, catch up on laundry, and take my kids to the park- all in one day. I was amazed at the harmony in my home because of the education about my mood disorder I was, and still am recieving.
I have found that my internal dialogue needed some work. Ok it needed a lot of work. I found myself being the confident young lady I had always put myself off as. It was and still continues to be an amazing transformation. I have been so blessed.
Lately, I have realized some of the influences that have shaped my education. I have had to rely much more heavily on the guiding hand of My Heavenly Father. I have had to change from being a criticism addict, to someone who finds good in others. I have found that it is not easy in a world that thrives each day on the devistating news that is in plentiful supply. I am finding as I try to be more positive there is a strong force out there that wants the negative to stay healthy and present. I know as I ask for the help I need I will recieve it. I will not allow devistating thoughts to stay and take up residency, taking up preciuos resorces that I need to give to my husband, my children, and to myself. Who helps me in my day to day struggle. The Holy Ghost. The comforter, He is there when I am willing to put myself in a place and mind frame to listen and do what he is guiding me to do. Our Heavenly Father has sent him as a gift to me to help me fight this fight. Now non-medicated I can see where the differences lie. It is clear to me that if I feel like one day not reading the scriptures, not praying for that help, I won’t be able to use my resources like He would have me use them. And thus I am not using the gift He has given. Then as result I am weakened, soft and easily stirred to anger, easily offended, impatient (with myself and with my kids), overall diagreeable.
I am so blessed with a patient and loving husband. I have been blessed with children who each day it is my privilage to be their mother. With each new thing they do I am able to stand by and watch them learn, grow, and progress. When focused on the blessings of my life I am finding it harder to whine, complain, and criticize others. (finding it hard and stopping are two different things- But I am working at it)
All and all, I am glad I have been given an "issue" to deal with. I am greatful for the lessons I am learning and the growing have to do because of it. I love that it almost forces me to lean on the arm of my Savior. To really ponder what he sacrificed, and how we can work out our own salvation with His help.
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