The bunny, colored eggs, and the chocolate have been in season for sometime now. Lately, I have had some themes running through my head that seem to pop up in my life. Since Easter, for me, is a time of reflection on the atonement and what it means to me in my life I am continually finding these things pop up in my everyday life.
The first theme is the "positive attitude" theme. Comming out of the haze of pregnancy hormones has really helped with my own positiveness. I am realizing how much fear and anxiety plays apart of my everyday life. And, when I am hormonal how much more it plays into my moods and actions. I am really more balanced after I have the baby. I know I have more to deal with, but some how it all works itself out. Having three is getting easier and easier as we get back into a routine. Being able to bend over has really helped the house get cleaner quicker. It isn’t clean by any means but I am starting to be OK with a subdued mess.
A positive attitude I used to think was being unrealistic, or untruthful. I wanted to be real not living in the cotton candy world of the "positive" people. Now I realize how damning that idea has been for me and my attitude. When I say damning I mean progression haulting. I was stuck on the ground and my dreams were not launching from that ground.
Now a days I am comming to terms with the dreams that have not "come true". The dream of getting a 3.0 GPA in College. This one has been a huge one. I really tied my self identity into being a student. When I would fail a quiz, test, or an entire course I would find it tore at my self worth like nothing else could. No boyfriend dumping me ever hurt like taking anatomy for the third time. Comming to terms with my seventh year at being a senior in college. I have some work to do on improving my GPA so that graduation is even an option for me.
I knew and have known for awhile now that if I am to go back I am going to have to change my viewpoint. I needed to choose a different approach to school. I had to become ok with failing, or not preforming to my expectiations, or others’. I have to accept that my limitiations are not other people’s limitiations. That the scale that I was being placed on wasn’t measuring me it was measuring the AVERAGE. My idenitiy was seperate from the GPA I was earning in my course work. I findi it very difficult to be told how brilliant you are being placed in the accelerated courses in school because you did exceptionally well on an exam. Only to be taken out of those courses because you can’t keep up with the homework or reading assignments ect. It was like being given a wonderful gift box that everyone could enjoy but me. You see I couldn’t open it. I couldn’t get near it. Couldn’t even see it through the cloud of failure I have been used to seeing. I was just told by everyone around me that it was there and how awesome it would be, could be, should be.
Now I have the gift in my hands. I have started to unwrap it. What I am finding inside is new exciting and scarry all at the same time. It all started about two years ago. I chose something different. I told my self a new story. Not one of constant failure in one area of my life but of one struggle that would eventually end. One enormous mountain that would eventually be summitted.
This summer school is back in session.