There is so much going on inside my head today. What is the difference between today and any other day? You can hear all about it today. Usually I am trying to stuff down my total randomness and afraid people will find out how not all together I am. Today I am embrasing the randomness. I was diagnosed six years ago with Attention Deficit Disorder. I am the "inattentive" type. I have tried much of the time that I have been diagnosed either denying that anything is wrong, down playing the effects it has had on my life and hiding until I find out how I can pull all of the insane parts of my life together and feel "normal".
When I was breast feeding my Thing 2 I came across a book called ADHD in Women. That was almost a year and one month ago. I had a mini break down ( I can’t do full breakdowns I don’t have that kind of energy.) For three days I was devistated that there was a book that explained the totally inner workings of my life, my results, and struggles I had had up to that point. Someone had described all the frustrations of my life in one book.
So my next move was to search out a personal coach. I had read so much info and was doing a huge research paper on the topic of meds. and their effects on adults with ADHD. The research I had done was pointing me into the direction of counseling and someone to just kind of check in with. The lady who I found had ADHD herself and was diagnosed while doing her masters degree. She was 44. She talked about medication. That is a big bad word in my book. I had never really opened my heart and mind to the idea. I saw what meds did for one child in my afterschool program I taught. It glazed his little eyes over and he was just so "drugged". I didn’t want that for myself. I also came from a home that was very strick on the use of medicine for things. It was rare that I had a pill for the simplest of headaches. Meds were off my radar screen.
The more we talked the more she told me that meds might be the thing that cleared the fog. She said that with the challenges of running after two toddlers and trying to keep house there could be some benifit in the medication.
She was right. I tried a 12 dosage. The third week after my milk had dried up. I spent that day crying because of the difference to beable to concentrate was. It was no miracle drug for me. It just allowed the fuel and motivation to get things done I had never dreamed. Like clean my entire house, catch up on laundry, and take my kids to the park- all in one day. I was amazed at the harmony in my home because of the education about my mood disorder I was, and still am recieving.
I have found that my internal dialogue needed some work. Ok it needed a lot of work. I found myself being the confident young lady I had always put myself off as. It was and still continues to be an amazing transformation. I have been so blessed.
Lately, I have realized some of the influences that have shaped my education. I have had to rely much more heavily on the guiding hand of My Heavenly Father. I have had to change from being a criticism addict, to someone who finds good in others. I have found that it is not easy in a world that thrives each day on the devistating news that is in plentiful supply. I am finding as I try to be more positive there is a strong force out there that wants the negative to stay healthy and present. I know as I ask for the help I need I will recieve it. I will not allow devistating thoughts to stay and take up residency, taking up preciuos resorces that I need to give to my husband, my children, and to myself. Who helps me in my day to day struggle. The Holy Ghost. The comforter, He is there when I am willing to put myself in a place and mind frame to listen and do what he is guiding me to do. Our Heavenly Father has sent him as a gift to me to help me fight this fight. Now non-medicated I can see where the differences lie. It is clear to me that if I feel like one day not reading the scriptures, not praying for that help, I won’t be able to use my resources like He would have me use them. And thus I am not using the gift He has given. Then as result I am weakened, soft and easily stirred to anger, easily offended, impatient (with myself and with my kids), overall diagreeable.
I am so blessed with a patient and loving husband. I have been blessed with children who each day it is my privilage to be their mother. With each new thing they do I am able to stand by and watch them learn, grow, and progress. When focused on the blessings of my life I am finding it harder to whine, complain, and criticize others. (finding it hard and stopping are two different things- But I am working at it)
All and all, I am glad I have been given an "issue" to deal with. I am greatful for the lessons I am learning and the growing have to do because of it. I love that it almost forces me to lean on the arm of my Savior. To really ponder what he sacrificed, and how we can work out our own salvation with His help.