I need to write/ I need to sleep
April 10, 2006 – 8:44 amYou know when you are up late and you just give up on going to bed at a decent hour?? That hour passed 10 minutes ago when 12:30 came and went. I am still up and have to get some stuff out of my head.
Lately I have been kicked in the perverbial buttocks with my Forgiveness and Anger reduction class. It seems to have made me keenly aware of how angry and unforgiving I can be sometimes. LOL
Learning about how to forgive and applying that learning are two different things. I am expecting so much more out of my learning curve here. I try to be patient, then I find that I need a class in Patience. The lessons of the past couple of weeks for me have repeated, louder and LOUDER.
1. You are what you think.
2. You tend to miss out on key insightful things for yourself when you are busy trying to fix everyone elses broken red wagon.
I got a major kick to the teeth with this jewel of advice from my class.
****note the McKay book is When Anger Hurts 2nd ed. By McKay, Rogers, & McKay (2003)
Taken from McKay page 87:
". . . People NEVER (italics) do what they should do. They only do what is reinforcing and rewarding for them to do. Shoulds are your values and needs imposed on someone with different values and needs. The most complex human behavior can be looked at in terms of a very simple formula: strength of need minus strength of inhibition . . . . When you demand that people behave according to your rules, you are violating reality in two ways. (1) In most cases others will not agree with your values and rules. Their unique history and needs shape their perceptions in ways that justify their behavior. Since you can rarely get others to agree that they are wrong, applying your shoulds to their behavior is an exercise in futility. (2) Because behavior is shaped by the formula of needs minus inhibitions, shoulds have almost nothing to do with it. Judging behavior according to your own arbitrary standard of right and wrong seems to miss the point. The real issue is how much does this person need to act this way and what inhibiting influences, if any, might stop him or her.
Exercise 1. Stand in their shoes.
When you’re angry at someone, answer these four questions:
1. ‘What needs influence him or her to act this way?’
2. ‘What beliefs or values influence him or her to act this way?’
3. ‘What aspects of his or her history (hurts, losses, successes, failures, rewards) influence this behavior?’
4. ‘What limitations (fears, health problems, lack of skills) influence this behavior?’Answer each question as completely as possible. If you don’t have all the information, make up something that seems likely. The purpose of this exercise is to explain the behavior you don’t like FROM THE OTHER PERSON’S POINT OF VIEW (italics)."
This class has forced me to look at things I need to look at but don’t like to look at. In situations that may come up for me like ……. Being blamed for something I didn’t do. Being gossiped about. Sick people that don’t ask the people that can help for assistance.
I really need to have the above lesson posted on my mirror maybe tatooed to my forhead. I think it would do a world of good.
The words "violating reality" are still ringing in my ears. OUCH!!
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26 Responses to “I need to write/ I need to sleep”
We could all take a lesson and learn to ask these four questions! Thanks for your vulnerability and sharing this!
By momrn2 on Apr 10, 2006
Transformation is never as easy as reading a book, and instantly changing. It is a slow process, but it does happen. You are on the right track.
By ken on Apr 10, 2006
This post is helpful to us mothers raising children! I do expect my children to live by my rules…that’s okay, right? As a parent, I have come to realize that I need changing in many ways. I used to think that I was the most patient person in the world…and then I had children. Boy, was I wrong in thinking that! I have noticed lately that there are times when I want them to stop doing something because it bothers ME, but it doesn’t bother them at all and what they are doing isn’t hurting anyone. I’m learning that my children are not me, and I need to be mindful of their personalities, issues, history, etc… as I raise them.
By Maine Mom on Apr 10, 2006
Very insightful comment Mainemom. It’s taken my husband eleven years to get that across to me.
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